ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
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Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
A wise man once said nothing.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice