ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
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Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
The booster protects against what, now?
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Planet of the Apps.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.