Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
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If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
❤️🦆
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks