Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
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My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
my proudest tweet
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible