ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Pizza is an emotion right?
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.