ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
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[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.