Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
You Might Also Like
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
man: wait
time: no
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.