Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
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Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.