Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
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I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
podcasts
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?