Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
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How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’