Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
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I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.