@iLikeCatShirts: Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can't swim.
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@dadofbieber: Daughter 1: Dad, I'm lesbian. Daughter 2: Me too dad. Dad: Doesn't anyone like guys here? Son: I do?.
@squirrel74wkgn: [leaving for vacation] Me: Do we have everything? Kids: Yes! Me: Let’s go! [5 min up road] Son: Dad, where’s mommy? Me: *makes u-turn*
@WheelTod: In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I'd just totaled her car.