Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
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Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.