Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
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[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking