Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
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What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
LOL
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.