Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
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I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT