[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
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Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I need this for my side hustle.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy