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@duplicitron: *robs craft store with hot glue gun*
@freypalm: Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It's on me.
@Cheeseboy22: My problem with McDonalds is I can't go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can't fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
@AllanCresswell: There's no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
@_correctomundo: Twitter should send notifications when you're about to get fired and divorced.
@josePhDhoran: Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around