@duplicitron: *robs craft store with hot glue gun*
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@LorieGZ: Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?' Kristen: 'Mom you eat it all the time and I haven't seen ANY improvement.'
@weinerdog4life: When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can't get over the fence
@david8hughes: [first day as detective] Me: looks like he was shot in the head Partner: any sign of forced entry? Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah