Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
You Might Also Like
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
#Caturday
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.