*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
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I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.