[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
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I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.