[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
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Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
This guy gets it.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.