“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
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Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything