My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
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Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Put this video in the Louvre
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax