I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
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“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*