Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
You Might Also Like
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.