Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
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WHY would you be happy about this?
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
A duv-egg? In this economy?
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.