*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
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Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs