Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
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I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet