What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
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What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
whatcha thinkin bout
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize