“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
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ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.