Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
You Might Also Like
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon