[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
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Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I am having an out of money experience.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”