[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
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Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.