9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
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My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat