[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
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A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?