[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
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there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.