*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
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{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
“and how does that make you feel?”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
🍞🦆
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……