*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
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Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing