*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
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4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.