“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
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I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.