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-Octopus preparing for a fight
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“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Legend 🤣🤣
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.