*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
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You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to