*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
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My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Self-cleaning conscience