Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
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I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
We like the way Dwight thinks
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.