When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
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I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers