@Rollmaninoz: *Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
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@OtherDanOBrien: [2 toads chillin'] Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you'll get high. "Whaaaat, that's genius." We gon’ get mad licked, son.
@causticbob: I put my phone in airplane mode. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
@TheRolo: [Text convo] Her: Can I come over right now? Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
@charrrllaa: If anyone finds 786 barely used tubes of Chapstick around my city, they're mine. I need them all back.
@Book_Krazy: Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency? Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED! 911: Have u tried looking in her house? Turtle: oops never mind.
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