Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
You Might Also Like
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray