Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
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Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They鈥檙e the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn鈥檛 say things like that?
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Who snuck Monday in here? 馃檮
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I鈥檓 gonna order later isn鈥檛 here yet?
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 馃槶
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here鈥檚 the teeth y鈥檃ll pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you鈥檙e there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.