Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
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If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.