[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
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i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I can’t stop watching this.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Fries, not lies.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.