[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Not now. I’m deglazing.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great